The First 15 minutes

March 21, 2010 at 8:01 pm (Uncategorized)

I’m not really upset enough to have a blog, but writing for 10 or 15 minutes every day is supposed to be a good exercise. So without further ado, 15 minutes.

I listen to a lot of Ben Folds…one of my favorite artists. Listening to him right now, so that’s probably a good place to begin everything.

The beginning is a very good place to start…one, two three, do, re, mi…

I wish I knew more about music. The problem is that it seems like you have devote most of your life to it if you really want to understand it. I give it about all the time I can while still focusing on political science, and it’s like knowing how to read without being able to write. I’m only half literate. Not even really that, because I can sound some things out in terms of sight reading, but I certainly can’t actually read notes or play an instrument. I have to get by on the fact that I have a good ear. That even messes me up sometimes when music is difficult, because often notes or chords want to go somewhere but go somewhere else instead. What can you do, though? Just have to roll with what comes along. I think I’ve always been pretty good at that. One of the reasons I love Buddhism is its emphasis on the here and now and dealing with what is occurring in one’s present moment. You can’t worry about the past and the future because they aren’t really real. They’re constructs of the mind. The only thing that’s real is what is happening right now. For me it’s typing, or thinking, not me going to rehearsal later. That’s not to say one should never make any plans nor be reasonable, but you can’t worry about it too much.

I see that in lots of people, all the time, they spend all their present moment worrying about the future and end up ruining the present. That doesn’t help oneself at all, and confuses me a little. I can understand getting caught into it from time to time, but some people do this all the time. Everything is transitory, it will pass. We’re all processes, not fixed things. I’m not the same person I was 10 years ago, 10 weeks ago, 10 seconds ago. There is no inherent Jordan-ness that is eternal and unchanging. I’m obviously not a platonic thinker, haha. But it’s not a bad thing that everything is constantly changing, because no one is fixed and therefore one cannot make the argument that any of us are separate. I am you, you are me, we are all. There isn’t a division between anything, really. We’re all just energy and matter transferring and changing from one thing to the next. Right now I am me, I’ll lose skin, grow hair, and eventually pass away where my energy will be transferred into something else.

I won’t lie and say this doesn’t bother me at all; there’s certainly a level on which I would hope my being would continue on forever, and our human instinct for preservation plays a large role in how most people feel about themselves, I would imagine. However, there is something comforting about being a piece in the giant web that is the world and the universe.

My faith is love for everyone, because I am everyone and everyone is me. I can’t hurt someone else, because then I would only be hurting myself. Dukkha is the Sanskrit word for suffering, or unease, and you cause dukkha whenever you cause something that harms yourself (remember, everyone is you and you are everyone). You can relieve yourself of dukkha by seeing the Dharma. You don’t really see the Dharma, though…you realize it. It’s the understanding that there is no self and there are no things, only processes. It’s a little bit confusing, I know…but there’s a 10 minute explanation of Buddhism for you. I don’t pretend to have all the answers, or even some of the answers. But it works for me, and doesn’t necessarily argue with other faiths as well. Well, some parts do. But we each follow our own path. You have to figure out what’s true for you.

Not that I’m a complete moral relativist. There is right and wrong, and while it’s up to the individual to figure out what’s right and wrong in a given situation, there’s an easy way to tell if something is wrong. Does it cause you harm? Does it cause others harm? (They’re the same thing)

I’m debating whether to post this somewhere easily accessible. I suffer from the dilemma that occurs because I crave attention (what performer doesn’t) but that I am ultimately a people pleaser at heart, and I fear “doing something wrong.” I would imagine many other people have similar problems. I usually get past my issues and end up performing anyway, but it at times truly terrifies me. I always feel that I’m not good enough, even when I feel great. I’ve been blessed throughout my life to have a strong support system. In high school people made it comfortable to act, and the people of the theatre department of the university of Idaho are some of the best people in the world. I wish I could be as open and loving as they are, and I feel very at home there. Someday I hope to find the inner strength to let loose like they all do.

Well, I’ve gone way over my self imposed time limit.


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