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May 31, 2011 at 5:49 pm (Uncategorized)

A brahmin once asked The Blessed One (The Buddha):
“Are you a God?”
“No, brahmin” said The Blessed One.
“Are you a saint?”
“No, brahmin” said The Blessed One.
“Are you a magician?”
“No, brahmin” said The Blessed One.
“What are you then?”
“I am awake.”

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Memorial Day

May 30, 2011 at 10:59 am (Uncategorized)

So many many thoughts these past couple of weeks, and no good way to articulate them. I suppose that isn’t a good excuse, one needs to just write and keep on writing until something comes out–but I haven’t been doing that. I just have lain on my bed and thought thoughts until I couldn’t think anymore.

I guess we’ll just run through some of the things I’ve been thinking about, and see where each one takes me.

Graduation

What a weird, surreal experience. It didn’t feel right. At all. I’m not ready to be done, to have a degree, to be expected to know where to go with my life or be (in any sense) an adult. I’m only 20…but sometimes I feel like I’m supposed to know what’s going on, or have a well defined plan. “You’re smart, you must have all kinds of great plans laid out,” they say. Well I’ve never been much of a planner, I like to take life as it goes. I can be organized if the occasion calls for it, and if I’m organizing things for other people I can be downright detail-obsessive. But as for my own life…I just like to see how everything plays out. Something I’ve found is that in many of my friends and girlfriends throughout my life I have been drawn to organized people…maybe it’s the thing about opposites attracting, or maybe something inside of me knows that with my head in the clouds as often as it is, having friends who can pull me back to earth is a beneficial thing. I’m not really sure.

Anyway. Graduation. Weird. Doing it in three years meant that I didn’t know a lot of the people graduating…I mean, not that I would have known everyone anyway, but there would be a lot more people I lived with or had classes with. That’s the other thing that makes being done so much more difficult…it would be one thing if most of the people I am close to were leaving, but outside of maybe 3 0r 4 people, I don’t have many friends that are done. Almost everyone I’m close to has another year (and often two) left. I feel like I’m peacing out before the party is over. And it’s odd. I mostly was just thinking about all of these things during graduation–I wasn’t even there for the most part. I didn’t even look at the video camera as I walked across the stage…I was in my own little world. My family was pretty confused, and I felt bad about it, but I was just all over the place. Graduation didn’t feel happy or like I’d accomplished anything. I’m proud of getting my degree in three years, and I’ve learned a ton about myself, what I believe, and working with people. But in that moment all I could think about was how much farther I had to go…how much I still didn’t know about myself.

Before you think I’m all gloom and doom, I do plan on doing great things. I’m going to take this year off, and starting in the fall of 2012 I will either be doing Teach for America or going to Grad School. But while I need this year to figure some things out about myself and to just not be school for a bit, it’s taking me a bit of time to convince myself that other people are ok with it. And that I am personally ok with not achieving and running out and jumping off the edge of the cliff of “life” just yet. And no one is going to push me.

Home

Home isn’t really home anymore, if home is Camas. I love it there, and spending some time on the west side last weekend was awesome. I love the atmosphere, the rain, the hipsters, the coffee, the greenery, and the pace of life. However, I don’t come back to Camas. I just visit. It’s been a process over the last three years, but I can safely say now that the bed I sleep in is in the guest bedroom. I visit my parents and my sister at their home. I live in an apartment in Moscow, ID. That’s home. That’s where the people I care most about live, this is where my life is. Of course, coming back to Camas and also graduating has made me a bit nostalgic. For all the people I grew up with, and who I would still do anything for. I kick myself sometimes for not keeping in better communication with many of them, but we’re all so busy living our own lives it’s hard to relate. But if you’re reading this, I want you to know that I love you (everyone I was in a show or class with, all the guys on the football team, whether we were close for a while in 7th grade or whatever the case may be) and I’d still do anything for you. So never be afraid to randomly say hello, or anything like that. They say home is where the heart is…so I guess my home is scattered all over.

I was explaining to a friend a little while ago how I feel about friendship and the way I relate with people…giving them a little bit of yourself, a bit of the flawed being that you are, and replacing that hole with a little bit of the flawed them…which then makes you a better person. Everyone I’ve ever met has touched my life, and I love them for it. In little ways, in big ways, even though they might not know it. For example, I have been involved in several productions here at the University of Idaho, and many of the theatre students are people that I’m not particularly close with, but are people that have touched me with their talent, friendliness, and courage to do something that terrifies the hell out of me–namely pursue a lifetime career in theatre. Same thing for many of the music students I’ve met. The talent around me just blows me away. I also want to thank all of those people for helping to humble me a lot since first getting here. I thought I was all kinds of things that I’m not.

Other Things! …Not that I stayed on topic before.

So, I’m considering getting a tattoo. I’ve been thinking about it for years, but perhaps this will be the summer. My parents probably would not be thrilled. Sorry mom!

As many people as I meet in life that make me think America and democracy are painfully unprepared to deal with idiots, I meet twice as many kindhearted, decent people who give me hope. The trouble only comes when kindhearted people are apathetic to the suffering of others. You need to vote…your voice needs to be heard. Vote for centrists, vote for sensible people, vote for individuals committed to helping others. I’ll be honest, it seems like the fringe wing of the Republican party has hijacked their policies to the point where I can’t in good conscience vote for most Republicans at the moment. But there are moderate Republicans (endangered as they are), and I would vote for one. Mostly we need agreeable people in office, people who will work together. If I ever got elected to something, I would want to be known as someone who got things done, and made life a little better for the U.S. and the world.

Still looking for a job…something will come up, I’m sure. Been applying and whatnot. Going a little stir crazy from a lot of hanging out at home. On that note, if you’re around (Moscow) we should get coffee. There’s nothing I enjoy more than a good conversation, or listening to people tell me things, or having other people listen. All three are wonderful options.

Ingrid Michaelson is good thinking music. For me, at least.

Happy Memorial Day everyone!

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