In which Jordan makes an attempt at blogging.

September 3, 2011 at 5:19 am (Uncategorized)

Diana Ross plays quietly in the background as I sit here, my mind somewhat foggy, at 4:45am. This job is a bit mindless…I don’t have much to do other than sit and think and listen to music. Occasionally I am productive; more often I am only productive if you consider a new DoodleJumper high score productivity.

I don’t.

Adele has begun to play, and that, coupled with a night of listening to my Pandora radio station in a slightly more wistful manner than I usually do, has gotten me to thinking about how I arrived here at this desk in Moscow, Idaho, in the middle of the night. Not just right now, or in the past year, or couple of years, but how every moment of my life has led me to right now. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about love, and life, and all the relationships I’ve had…romantic, friendly, slightly caustic, disdainful, distant but pleasant…there are many. I suppose the ones that stick out most are the romantic ones, the women in my life. The next thing that comes to mind is how I don’t really speak to anyone I’ve dated (with one notable exception) anymore. It’s not something I ever planned on, I thought I would be able to maintain friendly relations with my exes. They’re all lovely people, and are doing all kinds of interesting things. I mean, I’d love to sit down and chat with them about it, or exchange pleasantries now and again, but that’s probably just selfish on my part. When it comes to emotions, people don’t usually want to revisit the site of unpleasant moments. I usually find myself gravitating more towards the good times I’ve had in the past, but I will admit to occasionally being overcome by waves of negativity when thinking about my past relationships.  It just comes with the territory. Positive emotions are stronger than negative ones, but that doesn’t mean that negative emotions can’t be quite powerful.

It seems to me that the more tired I get, and the later (or earlier, in this case) it is, the more I tend to use commas. It’s something I’m aware of, but I can’t seem to stop creating sentences connected by three or four commas. It was beaten into my head over and over that using commas in such a fashion is to be frowned upon, but I have these run on thoughts that aren’t meant to be choppy. I use the semi-colon as much as possible (when appropriate of course) but it’s still something that seems slightly wrong to me.

I apologize for the arbitrary nature of this blog post, but it’s more of a mental stream of consciousness than anything else. I don’t really have a coherent vision of anything to write about; just writing at all is a victory of sorts. I have kept telling myself that I would do more blogging with all this free time, maybe even every night. Alas, that has not come to pass, and this is the first post in a while. Well, that’s not exactly true. I’ve tried a couple times, and written some long winded Facebook messages containing content I could conceivably wrap into a blog. But I haven’t done it, and so here we are.

Fuzzy wuzzy is my brain, slowly circling down the drain, fuzzy wuzzy not insane! (Hopefully)

This hotel is honestly a little creepy. It’s an old building, I’m the only one in this particular building (since the rooms are all in another building adjacent to this one), and it makes a lot of sounds while it settles and it’s a bit unsettling. We had a brief power outage a bit ago and I thought “goddammit, this is how all the horror movies start.” Except there would be no one there to murder but me, so I wouldn’t even have a chance of escaping. Lame.

I find that as I look more into myself, I see the world simultaneously in clarity and incredibly muddled. Maybe it’s just becoming clear to me that the world is muddled. I kind of thought you were supposed to have it figured out by the time you graduate from college. That hasn’t happened, so I think my instinctual reaction was to say “I haven’t had enough time yet! It takes 4 years to have all the answers, you just did it too fast.” So here I am in Moscow, for many many reasons, but I think partly because I don’t feel like I’m done here yet. I don’t have all the answers. So by May, I will either have them or (more likely) be more all right with not having all the answers.

It doesn’t help that I’m spiritually all over the place. I still believe in Buddhism, and consider myself a buddhist, but I haven’t been meditating as much as I should be lately, and I keep thinking about things but I haven’t been able to figure it all out. It’s not getting any clearer. And I’ve been to Mass for 3 months in something I’m calling the streak. It will be 12 masses in a row come this Sunday. That’s an awful lot of catholicism. I also talked to these two very nice Mormon missionary girls the other day; they knocked on my apartment door and we spoke for a while. I think I’m going to go on one of their church tours at some point. They gave me a phone number to call, and I would hate to say I’m thinking about it without actually thinking about it. I liked Mormon services when I went in High School (though I would prefer not to stay for the whole three hours). Worst case scenario I get a different perspective on things, and what’s so bad about that? Plus it’ll make those girls feel good, knocking on door after door with a lot of people not being particularly polite can’t be fun. If I have one overriding principle in my life, it’s to not be a jerk. I didn’t do a great job of that when I was younger, and I’m still not perfect by any means, but I try to make that my goal. If I can be nice to everyone, if I can have compassion for them, then I’m probably heading in the right direction.

Well it’s about time to get breakfast all set up, so goodbye world.

I’ll be vampiring away my saturday sleeping mostly.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: