This doesn’t deserve one either

September 6, 2011 at 4:09 am (Uncategorized)

I am not today who I will be tomorrow.

Do you ever feel like you end up talking about the same things a lot? Not necessarily talking in circles, but coming back to the same themes and ideas again and again. I think I do that because I haven’t found much resolution, in just about anything.

I feel a bit stagnant. I feel like I’m just waiting around, without a purpose. I feel adrift in a sea of something akin to apathy…but I’m not apathetic. I care a lot. Maybe I’m adrift in a sea of confusion. I used to think I knew exactly what I wanted to do (ok, that’s not exactly true, but I had kind of decided on a course of action for my life). At the moment, I’m not so sure that’s what I want to do. I still want to do Teach for America, but going into politics just is a more and more depressing idea. People just can’t be reasonable. How is one person supposed to stand up against all the hate in the world? How can you tell the bigots and demagogues and far left/right wingers that it’s time to create something that makes sense for everyone and is based on common ground and compromise? I know I’m not the only one who feels that way, but probably 75% of elected officials aren’t compromising on the things that matter most. It doesn’t help that fringe groups have disproportionate amounts of power with primaries and whatnot.

There are plenty of people who believe in fringe positions, but I’m convinced that they are all either idealists or haven’t given much thought at all to the actual realities of governance. I’m about as liberal as they come. My dream would be some kind of socialist utopia. But here’s the thing…that’s not reasonable. If I were going to govern, I would have to do it from the middle. That’s what everyone should be doing. We need to find ways to keep a robust economy and protect human dignity. The two are pretty interconnected. If you lift people up, they are going to go out and do great things, and spend money and feed the beast that is capitalism and consumerist culture. We can’t spend money and cut taxes and fight a couple of wars without being where we are right now.

It’s so damn frustrating.

So, I don’t really know what I want to do. I don’t want to keep working at this dead end desk job, but I don’t want to commit to grad school for something I might be too upset to really pursue. I guess I could always just head straight to my PhD and stay out of it all. I don’t know.

And that’s the moral of my life right now. I’m content with many things, but confused as well.

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