Back at it

September 9, 2011 at 3:22 am (Uncategorized)

At work again, which means I’m making time for a few more mental exercises. My brain is the equivalent of flub, I’ve decided, and I just need to get it back into shape for it to start working properly again. That, or have some kind of emotional distress (always seems to spur me to write). But I think that I prefer the former to the latter, so we’re going to see what can be done. I work the next six nights in a row, so there will conceivably be plenty of time to practice. Thoughts for this evening:

Part of me is kind of proud for not continually posting these blog posts on Facebook or other places where it’s easier for the world to see without having any good reason to do so. Part of me says “of course it’s easy, all the writing you’re doing is terrible!” I think that second side of me has a very valid point, so I won’t get too high on myself. One of these evenings I’ll write something worth sharing, and make an effort at sharing that. It’s not that I’m adverse to sharing, it’s just that I think of this blog as a bit of a pseudo-journal. It’s nothing I want to hide from the world, but I kind of like the idea that right now only like 5 people are reading this thing.

Hosting a TTM group this year…for the uninformed, TTM stands for “things that matter.” I’m really looking forward to it. It should be interesting in that almost everyone is back that is still around from the group I’ve had the past several years, but there are a lot of new additions to it. Coming into the planning session for it I was hoping a bit that I would get a chance to start fresh and have a completely new group to work with, but reflecting on it a bit more I think that it’s going to be nice having the familiarity with some of the people as well as the new input from the younger crowd. The only thing that was too bad about the event was that it included a few awkward moments…but I don’t think it could be helped. There are just some people who don’t care for me, and I suppose they never will. It’s just too bad to think that they might have been able to be part of this group as well but circumstances prevented it. Not really for my sake, but everyone else’s. She brings a lot to the table in discussions. But fresh starts are excellent too, so I’m sure that will go well for her, and her group is better off for having her.

Moving to my own group…I think it’s an interesting blend of people (as mentioned above), and I’m interested to see where the discussion goes. People are so fascinating. We all have our own idiosyncrasies, thoughts, and dreams that are at once intensely familiar and alien when looking at another person from your own perspective.

This is totally a tangent, but hear me out.

I struggle with the existence of an immortal soul. It doesn’t make sense to me. We have such a strong sense of self within our western world view, but you weren’t conscious (at the very least) until you were a couple years old (at the earliest), and lots of people go crazy or suffer from dementia, so what makes you think that your mind (soul) will last forever in an unchanging–or perhaps unchanging isn’t entirely correct, but in a limited range of change–state into eternity? You aren’t the same person you were yesterday, or last month, or 5 years ago. All the atoms that are in your body right now won’t be there in seven years. How can you possibly have anything like a soul? It seems an exercise in hubris.

I struggle with the existence of the non-self. The not-being here eternally, the ever shifting reality of existing. I’m me, so do I just end? How can I be me right now and the me that I know from my past (who is, albeit different, mostly the same as me) and the me I assume I’ll be in the future and not exist as something at least vaguely unchanging? It is at once comforting and daunting to know that I may die, go into the ground, become food for the worms and the grass and have my particles spread out across the universe. How can I be made of stardust and eventually return to stardust, but still feel?

I am caught between east and west on this particular point, and the struggle to figure out what I believe is making things–difficult is the wrong word, but not totally inaccurate–confusing. I would still classify myself as a Buddhist. But the Buddha didn’t say much about stardust. Right now matters. The present moment is what matters. That’s Buddhism. But in this present moment I’m wondering about the future. The future beyond myself. My worries, hopes, and dreams are somewhat trivial but they are also shared by all of us. That gives me the strength to have compassion for everyone…I don’t always do the best job at being an outward reflection of it, but I’m trying. I’m working towards being a better person everyday, and I meet so many wonderful people that have so much passion and help make it easy for me to have this much love to share. Still, I worry, and I wonder, and those fluids mix together and pour into the cracks of my dreams.

Speaking of…I’ve been having some nightmares lately…not for the past few days, but for a couple weeks before that. They were varied, but came back to several themes: Being left alone, dying before I could tell people that I was sorry, having others die before I could tell them what they meant to me, and being forgotten. Being forgotten is something many people fear, I think, as with being left alone. When you care about someone and you’re not always sure if they care about you, it can be scary. You have to still put yourself out on that emotional limb though, and hope for the best. As for the middle two in that foursome of fears, I think that those are the ones that will haunt me forever and perhaps will never be resolved. I think of the broken relationships (I mean both romantic and platonic) I have with a few…not ones that ended because of distance or time apart but ones that were actively severed and I realized something. I never do the severing. I don’t want to stop being part of that person’s life, even in a more distant sense. I think it’s because I genuinely like and respect these people that it hurts so much to know that I’ve been enough of a fuck-up to make them despise me. I used to think that I wanted to be universally liked, and that’s not exactly the truth. I don’t want everyone to like me. I just want the people I respect to like me. When they don’t, it hurts. Especially when it feels like there’s just been a lot of miscommunication involved.

So, for those I’ve hurt–and who, lets be honest, will likely never take the time to read my blog–I apologize.

To those who have hurt me, I forgive you.

And I’ll shout it out into the empty expanse of the internet, where all 5 of you will read it and will think to yourselves “damn, he’s a bit crazy.”

 

And I am, just a bit.

 

I was talking to Kyle today, about why we even bother with relationships, with the heartbreak, the conflict, the drama. You know the inevitable outcome. Every relationship you have is going to end the same way. I told him that I thought we were all just hopeless romantics deep down, waiting for that one time that didn’t end like every other one. And it CAN happen, I’ve seen it. We all have. We worry about things going terribly wrong in life and love all of the time, and that’s mostly because they do and will. But when we see that love is possible, we think, maybe it’s possible for more than just a brief period of time. Or maybe we weren’t ready for it this time around. Or perhaps there are different kinds of love, and you can love lots of people in many different ways and the one right way for you is around the corner somewhere. All I know is that it would be silly to stop looking for it just because you’ve screwed up before.

I believe the universe works itself out toward a satisfying resolution. I also believe the universe is following the law of entropy.

*shrug*

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