Dec 29

December 29, 2012 at 9:58 pm (Uncategorized)

The new year is rapidly approaching, and I feel both excitement and apprehension about 2013. It’s going to be a lot different than the past several years in that I am no longer living in Moscow, no longer surrounded by academia or multitudes of people my own age, and my life path for now has gotten fairly hazy. I’ve been looking for a job in the Portland area for the past month-ish, except that I lost a week to thanksgiving and two weeks to Hawaii (Christmas with my mother’s side of the family). I have no regrets about either of those events, but it makes my real job search time something more akin to two weeks. That is fine, but I’m itching to go out and be productive–and let’s be honest, writing all those cover letters and filling out endless applications can occasionally feel degrading. It seems to me that if someone gives me a chance that they will see that I am smart, a quick learner, and capable of doing a multitude of things that I have not done before but could easily master if given the opportunity. As of yet, that opportunity has not presented itself.

C’est la vie.

Another thing that feels weird about 2013 is being single. I would term it as being “alone” which probably isn’t true but occasionally I get caught in the midst of certain depressive states and would classify myself as such. I have been dating for mostly my entire college experience, with only brief interludes, and as my last relationship ended more out of physical than emotional distance I find myself in the odd position of not really wanting to be in a relationship. Which is different for me because generally there’s nothing I would rather have, and the sort of stirring loneliness I have found upon returning to Camas (in that particular regard) feels strange in the absence of wanting it to change.

C’est la vie.

These varying factors lead to a certain kind of self doubt to which I am unaccustomed; I hope it ends sooner than later, if I’m being frank. If I’m being even more frank, I will tell you that I am less unaccustomed to this sort of self doubt than I would care to be. Furthermore, this self doubt has me feeling rather down on myself. I am writing it down in the hopes that just talking about it will make me feel better. Talking about it IS making me feel better, and though I can be assured of only a handful of people reading this blog, knowing that I am telling someone is gratifying in it’s own way. Is that strange? I think it might be a little–being an exhibitionist with your emotions. However, I can’t help but feel that autobiographical writing lends itself to that sort of emotional exhibitionism. Realistically as the kind of person who enjoys performing on the stage both musically and theatrically, some exhibitionism is probably to be expected.

C’est la vie.

On a more positive sort of note, I have my callback for Beati Chorum tomorrow. Beati Chorum is a choral group in Portland, I had my audition a few weeks ago and that went well so they emailed me some music a couple days ago and I’m memorizing it for tomorrow night. All I can say is that I thank whatever powers that be I have friends who can help me in times like these. I can say with all honesty that I’m quite good at learning songs by ear, and that I am downright terrible at learning them off of a page. I think I will do well enough to get into the group. If I don’t…well, at least I tried.

I thought about auditioning for Rent down at Clark College, but a) I have no idea of the level of shows performed there and b) I didn’t want to commit myself to a rehearsal process when realistically getting a job needs to be my #1 priority. The choir thing is different because they’re flexible and it’s one night a week, and I get stir crazy and a little bit depressed when I’m not singing so it just needed to happen in one form or another.

Hawaii with the family was excellently relaxing, except when it wasn’t. I have quite a few more freckles than I did before, so that’s kind of exciting. If I had the ability to tan it would be even better. A part of me was sad to leave, but I think on the whole I do have a soft spot for mild, rainy winters. I guess I’m just conditioned, but it’s part of who I am.

So, that’s life for right now. I’m going to try to write more now, but lord knows I have trouble writing with any sort of consistency.

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