5/10

May 10, 2013 at 11:44 pm (Uncategorized)

I have always thought of my mind as a body of water.

Lake Huron, or the Caspian–something. It swells, moves, is affected by the weather and pollution and a myriad of things flowing in and out constantly.

Lately, though, the waters of my mind have seemed somewhat stilled. In another sense I might think it a good thing–my mind calmed of storms raging across it–but the stillness is instead the cessation of the flowing in and out. I don’t feel like I’m being mentally challenged enough at the moment. I’m not arguing, I’m not discussing or debating, I simply sit. I still read a lot and keep up with current events, but there is this air of stillness over the entire thing.

I can’t explain it exactly, it just feels like the natural balance is out of whack, and things are becoming brackish. In trying to pinpoint the source of my issues, I wonder if it comes down to a lack of human interaction. I go to work, I play volleyball, I sing in choir–but I don’t necessarily feel a deep sense of connection with any of the things I’m doing even as I find them enjoyable and fulfilling. I guess you might say I miss the closeness and connection I found with my close friends in college, a closeness that thus far has proven to be elusive coming back to Camas/Vancouver/Portland.

This post isn’t meant to be complaining or negative; I’m not unhappy. Just not whole. The only person who can go out and make a change is myself. Maybe I need to put myself out there, go places by myself, and do some things I haven’t done before. Make some new friends if being a social butterfly is really that big of a deal to me.

Of course, then there is the fear that lack of social interaction isn’t the problem. If it’s something else I surely don’t know what it is.

All part of the searching that is currently going on. Time will tell.

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