Weekends, Weddings, and Wondering pt 1

July 31, 2013 at 9:29 pm (Uncategorized)

Over the past several days I’ve spent 16+ hours alone in the car, which has given me a lot of time to think. There comes a point several hours into a drive where my voice begins to dislike me belting in alto, and I have to become a bit more introspective. It can be very zen-like. In any case, this is my weekend brain dump and we’re breaking it into sections.

1. The Wedding

Danny and Bethany got married on top of a mountain, and it was awesome. It’s a special feeling when people that you know are so wonderful do something wonderful together. In some ways it was a formality, because they were essentially married in my mind already, but mostly it was just awesome to celebrate two people who give so much of themselves to others. They deserve lots of days where the world lets them know how great they are, but that one was a good start. We also drank a whole bunch of beers, I learned how to snapchat, and I got one last hurrah in before many of us scatter to the winds. For now anyway.

This year has not been kind to me in the whole “believing in love” thing: I am still the same optimist I have always been, but seeing my parents fall apart and having my own stuff go away has been rough at times. Danny and Bethany kind of make me feel like maybe it’s not so far away after all. I’m not going to put a timetable on it, but feeling like it’s out there is better than despair. 

That last sentence might make a good song lyric. Speaking of which, be on the lookout for Stu and I (Formerly Size 10 Stu, currently looking for a new more original name) to blow the lid off the music scene.

 

2. Running

I have run the last two days, so if we count Monday’s 2 hours of volleyball that’s 3 days straight of working out. I am pretty happy with myself at the moment, but it’s nothing without the follow through. I am getting a little faster, and I have found that I have a challenging-enough-for-the-moment 2.8 mile loop that I can get a good workout doing without just killing myself.

I have a running specific playlist I use, and I always put it on shuffle so that I don’t know what’s coming. I play these little head games with myself, like never slowing down during Get Lucky, or imagining myself blocking a ball at the net during No Church in the Wild–whatever it takes to keep me motivated. There are about 30 or 35 songs on the playlist and during the course of a run I’ll only hear 7-9 of them, so it keeps it fresh. Today, though, Birthday Sex by Jeremih and I Just Had Sex by The Lonely Island played back to back, and it was as if the universe was telling me “You’ll never have sex again being such a fat fat fatty” and I did a pretty good job of speeding up and running for a while. Whatever it takes, I suppose. 

It is kind of fun putting the songs on shuffle, though, because it’s as if every time I run there’s a different narrative. My mind works overtime when I’m running, and I prefer it that way, because I am a) really bad at getting into a “zone” just running and b) If I’m thinking about life or politics or the music I’m not focusing on how much I despise the act of running for no reason. 

I’ve let myself get pretty out of shape since high school, and now I’m paying for it. I think that I am in a better place (motivation-wise) than I have been for a long time, and I have these ridiculous neon green running shoes that help me run. They’re legit running shoes my mom bought me as a gift from Fit Right Northwest, and when I look at them I feel better about working out. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s silly, but I’ll take it. I also feel an obligation to run because they’re nice shoes and my mom got them for me. I’m at a point in life where I live at home for the time being and I am trying to figure out how to balance me being an adult with my mother wanting to be my mother. It’s a process.

3. QOTD

QOTD stands for Question of the Day, and it is something we used to do in my senior english class in high school. I hadn’t thought about it in years, but on the drive to the Tri-Cities last Thursday there was a lot of construction and I remembered a question we had that was “If you were a road sign, what would you be?” I thought, and I thought, and I couldn’t come up with anything. I was kind of OK with that, because I lost the roadmap a while ago on this metaphorical road. I also was reminded of Casey McEnry saying that he would be “Slippery when wet,” which was a fantastic answer if I can remember it over 5 years later.

Where I’m going, we don’t need roads.

 

“The quest for certainty blocks the search for meaning. Uncertainty is the very condition to impel man to unfold his powers.” –Erich Fromm 

Permalink Leave a Comment

12

July 20, 2013 at 1:14 am (Uncategorized)

Just got home from work–it’s been a long day. 13 hours will do that to you. It wasn’t super strenuous, but it’s enough to make you want to lie in bed and just go to sleep without writing anything. Well, I’m trying to get back on the horse so I can’t let a little thing like that stop me. Besides, tomorrow’s Saturday so I can sleep in.

Oh wait, no, someone is coming to look at the house (we’re selling it. By we I mean my mother), so I’ll need to be up by 9 and out the door soon after. Good thing I got such a short haircut–showers are no longer necessary to look semi-civilized. I also didn’t find out that I would have to be up early (ish) until like 11:30 tonight, so that was also semi frustrating. If I had more time to process I might feel better about it. Or I might not, I guess either way it can’t be helped. Just have to do what needs doing.

Speaking of, I’ve been all excited the past few weeks because Richard Sherman and Brandon Browner (two of the Seattle Seahawks CB’s) were coming to tonight’s movie. The plan was for them to show up about an hour before and sign autographs and do pictures and whatnot. Well, the guy I have been working with from the Seahawks was a total pain in the ass to get ahold of or get any details out, but when I talk to him this afternoon he says “change of plans, they are going to sign autographs for 15 minutes each and then go.” Ok, not ideal, but I can at least get my phone signed and maybe since I’m the liaison they’d let me get a quick photo in. A little later the guy emails me and says that BB and Sherman will make an appearance, but they won’t be staying and doing anything. A couple of the Sea Gals will sign autographs for a bit. This is like 5 hours before the event, and we have been marketing it fairly heavily saying they are going to be there. So that was a bummer. They showed up, I was mostly ignored, they did their thing, and left. I was hoping to maybe sneak in a photo but it wasn’t to be. It is what it is, but I was disappointed to say the least. I’m more bothered how they changed everything at the last minute–it was very unprofessional.

Sometimes these things happen, and you just deal. On the whole I think the event was very successful. I got paid to watch Little Giants, so that should probably count as a solid night regardless of anything else that happens.

Birthday festivities are tomorrow night. I’m too tired to be excited right now but I am definitely looking forward to it. I’ll try to write tomorrow too, but I may not be home much of the day if we have prospective buyers or what have you.  

Permalink Leave a Comment

Form vs Function

July 19, 2013 at 9:21 am (Uncategorized)

In general, I tend to prefer things that do their job very well over things that look nicer but do their jobs less well. This applies to cars, food, appliances, and really all manner of things. I’m not saying that I don’t appreciate art for it’s own sake, but if something is supposed to be functional at times the design can get in the way. I understand that humans are visual creatures, but sometimes it seems to me that we put too much stock into what things look like, rather than what they are.

We do the same thing with people, too. If someone doesn’t fit the mold of one’s expectations, many simply dismiss them. That, I think, is the great challenge of our society, to just let people be who they are without all these preconceived notions. At the least, people should realize that they are predisposed to having particular worldviews, so why not examine them?

I think a lot of people fall into this trap where they think that they’re right, and then stop examining any other beliefs. Over time, they calcify, and they begin to ignore evidence in favor of continuing to think that they are correct. This is where you get the current Republican party, a lot of older people, and a sizable swath of everyone else. What I think is not well articulated in our educational system is that you can believe that you are right, and you can defend your views vehemently while still keeping an open mind to the possibility that you could have room for your ideas to change. 

So keep an open mind–now I have to get ready for work.

Permalink Leave a Comment

Blessed Unrest

July 18, 2013 at 10:22 pm (Uncategorized)

As you can tell from the title, I’ve been listening to a whole bunch of Sara Bareilles’ new album, “The Blessed Unrest.” It’s phenomenal, she’s phenomenal, and it has been the soundtrack to a lot of my thinking the last few days. There has been a lot of thinking, so the music has been in my head (via headphones or just stuck there) quite a bit.

Been putting in some long days at work lately, which has been rather fun because a lot of it is actually working the events that I’ve spent so much time helping put together. That being said, an 11 1/2 hour day today and a 12 1/2 hour day tomorrow are a bit draining. I won’t say no to all the extra hours though.

Today while working I saw this old woman dancing as she walked to the band in the park. She looked like anyone’s grandma. She was walking and dancing, and having the time of her life with a big grin on her face. Her husband was walking just behind her, smiling like this kind of thing happens all the time, and the image kind of pulled together a bunch of disparate threads that had been weaving their way through my brain.

Mostly I realized that I try so hard to not care, when all the times I really feel good about myself and my life are the times that I just give in to the fact that I care. I care a lot. I care SO MUCH, about everything. I am best when I am wearing my emotions on my sleeve, when I am free to love and laugh and make terrible puns and have everything remind me of a song lyric, when I can be overcome with despair and hope equally powerful in the span of 20 minutes. 

It’s like I’m always holding back a dam. Holding back all that water is difficult and painful, but let it all wash over you, and yeah you’re underwater for a bit but then it washes over you and it’s done. 

I like to not be a burden. I like to tell people that I’m okay when I’m not at all, because I don’t want to seem like I want something from them. I don’t want to bare my soul to my friends and find out that they don’t really care all that much. I suspect some of them do, and some of them don’t. That is what it is, and I can’t worry about that too much. We all have friends that we are able to connect with on a deeper level and friends who are more casual. There’s nothing wrong with that. But I am going to make a concentrated effort to be less disingenuous. 

2013 so far has been pretty rough. The person I thought might be the right one turned out to not feel the same, my parents (who I looked to as an example for what a relationship SHOULD be) divorced, we’re all living in this economy so you know what that’s like, and don’t even get me started on my brother. I have felt the weight of the world (rightly or wrongly) on my shoulders, and it hasn’t always been easy for me to open up to people about it. It’s weird, because I know I would drop everything for someone I cared about, but I am loathe to ask even a small percentage of that from anyone else. I think that maybe I secretly fear that they don’t really care, and by opening up I would expose that my friends don’t care about me like I care about them.

I fear that a lot–be unloved, being unacknowledged, being alone. I feel those emotions often, which is sometimes silly because I have lots of wonderful people in my life, and sometimes I think justified. I don’t always reach out and try to fix that, though, which is my own fault.

Anyway, I guess it’s probably just common sense, but I know I need a reminder to tell the people I care about how great they are. I am going to do my best to be less afraid of my emotions and just get out there and live. There’s a line I loved in “December” off The Blessed Unrest which goes something like “…it can’t be a mistake if I just call it change…” that I really love. 

Change is here, it’s going to stay here. We just have to deal with it. 

 

Permalink Leave a Comment

July 15

July 15, 2013 at 10:01 pm (Uncategorized)

I can only speak for me, but I will soon be feeling 23. Not too different from 22, but with one less current top 40 pop song to describe my life. Fortunately there are (and will continue to be) others. 

Life just keeps on rushing by, and sometimes I feel more like I am being washed by a current than doing much in the way of directing my life. I need to take charge and be more assertive, I think. The more I reflect, the more I realize that I actually am pretty sure what I want. Unfortunately, getting what I want is probably not in the cards, for reasons beyond my control. You can apply that to jobs, relationships, life circumstances, and more. It’s ok, really. I am confident in my ability to get things to turn out well, and I believe in myself enough to know that I am worth being in a job where I can do great work and be valued, be in a relationship where I can love and be loved in equal measure, and find the kind of stability and mental peace that allows me to do exciting and mundane things with equal aplomb. 

I got a chance to go up to Moscow this weekend very briefly, and I had a great time. Getting to see friends that are more like family is always worth it. I do have a fairly sizable fear that we will lose touch and drift apart. It’s probably unavoidable, but I don’t like to think about it. Time will tell.

 

I am trying to get a better handle on my life, on me, on being the person I WANT to be rather than who I am. I am trying to move in a forward direction. Keep your fingers crossed or think a good thought for me if you find a moment. 

Permalink Leave a Comment