Blessed Unrest

July 18, 2013 at 10:22 pm (Uncategorized)

As you can tell from the title, I’ve been listening to a whole bunch of Sara Bareilles’ new album, “The Blessed Unrest.” It’s phenomenal, she’s phenomenal, and it has been the soundtrack to a lot of my thinking the last few days. There has been a lot of thinking, so the music has been in my head (via headphones or just stuck there) quite a bit.

Been putting in some long days at work lately, which has been rather fun because a lot of it is actually working the events that I’ve spent so much time helping put together. That being said, an 11 1/2 hour day today and a 12 1/2 hour day tomorrow are a bit draining. I won’t say no to all the extra hours though.

Today while working I saw this old woman dancing as she walked to the band in the park. She looked like anyone’s grandma. She was walking and dancing, and having the time of her life with a big grin on her face. Her husband was walking just behind her, smiling like this kind of thing happens all the time, and the image kind of pulled together a bunch of disparate threads that had been weaving their way through my brain.

Mostly I realized that I try so hard to not care, when all the times I really feel good about myself and my life are the times that I just give in to the fact that I care. I care a lot. I care SO MUCH, about everything. I am best when I am wearing my emotions on my sleeve, when I am free to love and laugh and make terrible puns and have everything remind me of a song lyric, when I can be overcome with despair and hope equally powerful in the span of 20 minutes. 

It’s like I’m always holding back a dam. Holding back all that water is difficult and painful, but let it all wash over you, and yeah you’re underwater for a bit but then it washes over you and it’s done. 

I like to not be a burden. I like to tell people that I’m okay when I’m not at all, because I don’t want to seem like I want something from them. I don’t want to bare my soul to my friends and find out that they don’t really care all that much. I suspect some of them do, and some of them don’t. That is what it is, and I can’t worry about that too much. We all have friends that we are able to connect with on a deeper level and friends who are more casual. There’s nothing wrong with that. But I am going to make a concentrated effort to be less disingenuous. 

2013 so far has been pretty rough. The person I thought might be the right one turned out to not feel the same, my parents (who I looked to as an example for what a relationship SHOULD be) divorced, we’re all living in this economy so you know what that’s like, and don’t even get me started on my brother. I have felt the weight of the world (rightly or wrongly) on my shoulders, and it hasn’t always been easy for me to open up to people about it. It’s weird, because I know I would drop everything for someone I cared about, but I am loathe to ask even a small percentage of that from anyone else. I think that maybe I secretly fear that they don’t really care, and by opening up I would expose that my friends don’t care about me like I care about them.

I fear that a lot–be unloved, being unacknowledged, being alone. I feel those emotions often, which is sometimes silly because I have lots of wonderful people in my life, and sometimes I think justified. I don’t always reach out and try to fix that, though, which is my own fault.

Anyway, I guess it’s probably just common sense, but I know I need a reminder to tell the people I care about how great they are. I am going to do my best to be less afraid of my emotions and just get out there and live. There’s a line I loved in “December” off The Blessed Unrest which goes something like “…it can’t be a mistake if I just call it change…” that I really love. 

Change is here, it’s going to stay here. We just have to deal with it. 

 

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