How am I gonna be an optimist about this?

November 24, 2013 at 10:11 pm (Uncategorized)

My current “play-on-repeat-until-you-literally-can’t-handle-it-anymore” song is Pompeii, by Bastille. It’s a catchy, up tempo tune that on it’s surface is nothing much. Here it is, if you haven’t heard it (disclaimer, the music video is a little trippy, I hadn’t seen it until just now linking that up).

Anyway, the first few times I listened to it, it was just another catchy top 40 song, and then all of a sudden it struck me that the song was a metaphor for my life right now, specifically my parent’s divorce. I have been doing pretty well with all of it, but with the holidays coming up (and the accompanying nervousness in the “what the hell is all this going to look like?” that goes along with them) it’s been on my mind a lot recently. This song makes me think of the divorce because if you close your eyes/does it almost feel like nothing’s changed at all/if you close your eyes does it almost feel as if you’ve been here before? is a startlingly accurate depiction of my perception of all this. If I focus on other things, if I don’t dwell on the divorce, I can almost ignore the fact that my entire family dynamic has undergone a seismic shift. The weird thing is how normal we all are about it, like this is no big deal, we’re just going on with our lives and we’re all fine. My family is fairly understated and stoic, which serves us well a lot of the time, but can lend a strong sense of the surreal to the things we do when we’re just rolling along like everything is ok when NOT EVERYTHING IS OK. 

On the other hand, though, what can you do? The volcano has blown (metaphorically), and whatever our family was is frozen under a mountain of ash. It looks the same, frozen like it was, but is definitely not the same. If you close your eyes, you’re still here, and you can pretend, but it doesn’t change the underlying reality of the situation. That’s not changing, and freaking out is definitely not a good option, but at the same time it’s just weird. That’s probably the best word for it, weird. Like, what am I supposed to do? I don’t like complaining to people, so I write in here and let it out this way, but it’s hard to know what to say. How do I say, “I listen to this song on repeat and I feel like spinning around and dancing in my room and letting my emotions and all the conflict inside me swirl and wash over me” without sounding a little crazy? And even though I know I have many wonderful, caring friends, what are they supposed to say? Sorry? Oh man, that sucks? Is there anything I can do? There’s nothing you can do. You know it, I know it, and that’s not good or bad (it just is) and so we remain at an impasse. 

Maybe I am overreacting, letting my imagination inform what I think the holidays are going to be like rather than being realistic. Maybe they will be relatively normal. Perhaps as an adult I should be OK with the divorce. I certainly am no longer at the point where I see my parents as more than two human persons. When you’re young it’s easy to see your parents as larger than life. That’s not my problem. I guess it’s just scary how much I feel like this whole experience has shaped how I look at love and relationships. I don’t like the paradigm I’m inhabiting at the moment. 

I dunno. It’s weird, so I write, seeking clarity. It remains elusive for now, but I’ll just keep working. In the meantime I’ll just close my eyes and let the music take me away.

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What would I say?

November 20, 2013 at 5:20 pm (Uncategorized)

That I only meant well? Well of course I would…

Instead of annoying people individually with the WWIS app that has been floating around (and that I finally started playing with) I am instead just going to post some of my favorites here.

Here’s to switch back to the reckless excess of real unless they deal with things like the Guantanamo of hot beverages.

 

Just very zen, is all.

 

Happiness never decreases by making phone calls to her son. Yes, the Ravens won the Super catchy, everyone made it

 

Blackbird singing and has lost an equally atrocious tiebreaker no matter if I was yelling spontaneously. Can’t help elect candidates who seem upset LSU. Thanks, Jordan

 

Yes, the Ravens won the #SCOTUS ruling, which is election day.

 

Stop by and get that #2 seed and pancakes.

 

Eli, never go with just one.

 

Bro, you are just go haha.

 

Stop by if you’d imagine that you can

 

Oh I like my DVR and I’m leaving, on odd numbered days since each hypothesis, while equally paradoxical, neatly avoided the paradoxes of the Constitution.

 

Today I’m thinking about making a pizza from a single candle, and the greater metropolitan Portland area

 

Goddamnit I believe you’re thinking about pesticides and hang with it.” ― Langston Hughes

 

We, the People, recognize that we just don’t want to feel my face.

 

Dear Vandal Football and musical theatre.

 

Otherwise I would have to pretend that Jesus was so GOOD.

 

This is the lowly #3 seed he commanded us

 

Cats must find sheet music.

 

Yeah Avery and I enjoy the day

 

Ted Kennedy, rolling in exclusively ground floor apartments.

 

Ted Kennedy, rolling in the aforementioned rain.

 

I look so afraid of something, loves something

 

Austin and Kristin Glaeser, J Jacob Marsh with skunkacopters and even Domingo when you ever heard any banjos so far more love abounding out there

 

Send some salvation, or a sandwich.

 

Empty apartment, nothing to do tonight, think we’ll get there

 

Allnighter with Avery and I think it’s legally binding, but there’s a rainbow..

 

Come on Facebook, thus allowing them access to an unhealthy dependency.

 

We got a masters in being delicious

 

To this day, one of love and loving life.

 

Many of them DO sound like me! Which isn’t surprising, since it’s just a bunch of mashups of my old statuses, but I had fun. Spent like 20 minutes looking through them. I can dig it.

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Happy Holidays?

November 19, 2013 at 6:35 pm (Uncategorized)

I finally gave in today and started listening to Christmas music. There’s just slightly over a month until the day, so I don’t feel TOO bad about it, especially when you consider how late Thanksgiving is this year. Of course, basically all I listen to (Christmas-wise) is Sufjan Stevens with a little Straight No Chaser thrown in, so I may get bored of it after 5 weeks. 

Speaking of the holidays, I have some weird ones coming up. I’m sure that those of you with divorced parents (or if you’re married, I guess, but that’s somewhat different) can speak to this, but there are going to be more options now for the holidays than there were before. I’m sure it’ll just involve a little more traveling (and I benefit from the fact that both sides of my family reside in the Seattle Metro-ish area) but there will be awkwardness to deal with, and that doesn’t sound like much fun. On the flip side, it will be good to see my family since I don’t make it up there often. It’ll be a balancing act. 

 

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A case of the Mondays

November 18, 2013 at 10:18 pm (Uncategorized)

I woke up on the WRONG side of the bed this morning. I was in a terrible mood when I woke up this morning that lingered through work and my meetings, kept on going when I came home and tried to be productive, and culminated in my giving up and taking a nap. I slept for 2 hours, which in itself is kind of ridiculous, but it was the kind of hard sleep that when I woke up it felt like someone had smacked me around with a pillowcase full of bricks. It was a rather unpleasant way to start the week. Fortunately I convinced myself to go to volleyball tonight, and (as it often is) I had a fantastic time and consequently feel much better about life now than I did the rest of the day.

It’s just weird how you can wake up with a certain mindset and then have the hardest time getting rid of it. I’ve been trying to diagnose why exactly I felt that way this morning but there is no reason in particular. I’ve been getting enough sleep for the most part, things are going well at work (outside of my desire to work full instead of part time), and there haven’t been any major negative events lately. I guess if you were looking for excuses I had a pretty quiet weekend and most of the plans I tried to make fell through (but again I got to meet a fraternity brother of mine who was really cool, watched Camas football roll, and saw a play, so that seems unlikely).

I guess some things that have been on my mind are that it’s about a year since my last serious relationship ended, this last year has been kind of rough in terms of how I see relationships with my parents getting divorced, a straining of my relationship with my brother, and moving back to Camas and trying to reestablish myself. What makes me upset is how much it affects me. I just want to be ok. I’m tired of worrying about what will happen next; I just want life to come to me. Easier said than done, though. 

I am not really used to being single, and maybe it’s good for me, but I feel more pessimistic about relationships than I have before. I feel like I’m not worth loving, that I’m ok but when push comes to shove people are going to choose other people/jobs/etc over me and I’ll just end up alone again. I saw my parents be happy for a long time and then watched it all fall apart, and I worry that I will never again be able to have that same sense of things working out that I had before. I am afraid that will expect every relationship I have from now on to fall apart, and that it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy. I don’t know that I know who I am, and I don’t really know how to find out. 

I want to be good at life. I want to be able to live with focus and love and be able to let go. I am finding more and more that maybe I’m not as good at all that as I hoped I was, and that kind of sucks. 

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Sunday Sunday SUNDAY(s)

November 17, 2013 at 9:13 pm (Uncategorized)

Sundays in the fall are one of my favorite things. Relaxing on a chilly day near a fireplace, watching football, drinking tea or coffee (or occasionally a beer) has a way of recharging my batteries like nothing else. I don’t go to church, nor am I particularly religious, but I think there’s something to the idea that we should take a day to rest and reflect, and for some reason Sundays are the perfect day to do it. I guess it’s just something we’ve culturally decided on. 

Regardless, they are nice. For someone who always likes to be doing something, the ability to just do nothing (and not feel any anxiousness about it) is special. 

 

Sundays are even better when the Seahawks win. I also got to hang with the sister, which was fun. All smiles today.

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11/15

November 15, 2013 at 9:43 pm (Uncategorized)

I have been having terrible writers block. I’m sure you could tell by the lack of writing over the past couple months. I sit down to write, to say something, but the words don’t come out. I think a lot of the problem is that my mind has been consumed with other things (work, football, running, books, life, etc) and when I sit down to write nothing comes out. Writing this, right now, is painful, and all I’m doing is talking about how I CAN’T WRITE. 

It is my thinking that a large part of the issue is that I don’t always write for me, as much as I try to. I try to write what I think other people will like, what they will find interesting, what won’t embarrass me, or what have you. I try to strike this balance between being honest and open and not letting the world see everything I’m feeling. If you want to write, that’s not really a luxury you can usually afford.

So I guess I’ll just write and we can see what happens. 

 

I am sitting alone in my bed at 9:30pm on a Friday night, which is not a place I like to be. I’ve texted a few friends about hanging out or doing something, but the response has been lukewarm or nonexistent and frankly it’s been a long week so I haven’t pushed the issue. So I watched a couple episodes of Arrested Development, browsed Reddit, and generally felt somewhat sorry for myself. It’s not a place I like being in, but at times I feel seized by a dramatic inaction. All I am capable of is just sitting here and reading or playing on the computer. It is times like these in which I wish someone would give me a call to act, to do, to go on an adventure. How can anyone, know, though? I’m just sitting here. The adventures we have are the adventures we make for ourselves.

I will say, though, that there is something peaceful about laying in bed just listening to music. I can let it wash over me and do its thing. It helps me sort through my emotions. Running does it too, but I wouldn’t be surprised if much of that comes from the fact that I listen to music while I run. I have been conflicted lately–about my emotions, about my prospects for the future, about women, you name it. Really about everything. It’s tough because I feel like I don’t have a good outlet for all my frustration. I’m trying to figure out the best way to deal with the fact that I am not where I want to be yet, and the fact that fear is sometimes a bit paralyzing. 

I have a hard time distinguishing at times between the confidence that is mine and the confidence I project. Then sometimes it all goes away and I wonder if it’s not real at all, if I’m destined to become a deadbeat, if it’s genetic and I can’t do anything about it. I pull myself out each time, but it can be dark at times. I don’t want to complain, I have it pretty good. November is the month we’re thankful, right? A good sentiment but I feel that the idea is limiting in terms of being grateful the rest of the year. I don’t dislike it, it just would be nice if we could use it as a springboard instead of as a closed area. 

 

Well, that was painful but it was there. Gonna get a little better for next time. 

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