A case of the Mondays

November 18, 2013 at 10:18 pm (Uncategorized)

I woke up on the WRONG side of the bed this morning. I was in a terrible mood when I woke up this morning that lingered through work and my meetings, kept on going when I came home and tried to be productive, and culminated in my giving up and taking a nap. I slept for 2 hours, which in itself is kind of ridiculous, but it was the kind of hard sleep that when I woke up it felt like someone had smacked me around with a pillowcase full of bricks. It was a rather unpleasant way to start the week. Fortunately I convinced myself to go to volleyball tonight, and (as it often is) I had a fantastic time and consequently feel much better about life now than I did the rest of the day.

It’s just weird how you can wake up with a certain mindset and then have the hardest time getting rid of it. I’ve been trying to diagnose why exactly I felt that way this morning but there is no reason in particular. I’ve been getting enough sleep for the most part, things are going well at work (outside of my desire to work full instead of part time), and there haven’t been any major negative events lately. I guess if you were looking for excuses I had a pretty quiet weekend and most of the plans I tried to make fell through (but again I got to meet a fraternity brother of mine who was really cool, watched Camas football roll, and saw a play, so that seems unlikely).

I guess some things that have been on my mind are that it’s about a year since my last serious relationship ended, this last year has been kind of rough in terms of how I see relationships with my parents getting divorced, a straining of my relationship with my brother, and moving back to Camas and trying to reestablish myself. What makes me upset is how much it affects me. I just want to be ok. I’m tired of worrying about what will happen next; I just want life to come to me. Easier said than done, though. 

I am not really used to being single, and maybe it’s good for me, but I feel more pessimistic about relationships than I have before. I feel like I’m not worth loving, that I’m ok but when push comes to shove people are going to choose other people/jobs/etc over me and I’ll just end up alone again. I saw my parents be happy for a long time and then watched it all fall apart, and I worry that I will never again be able to have that same sense of things working out that I had before. I am afraid that will expect every relationship I have from now on to fall apart, and that it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy. I don’t know that I know who I am, and I don’t really know how to find out. 

I want to be good at life. I want to be able to live with focus and love and be able to let go. I am finding more and more that maybe I’m not as good at all that as I hoped I was, and that kind of sucks. 

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