Dark Dark Dark

December 27, 2013 at 11:54 pm (Uncategorized)

Expectations are strange things. 

They’re just thoughts, but they can define everything you do. For instance: I was worried about how my Christmas would turn out this year, and it turned out that it was one of the most interesting, memorable, and enjoyable holidays I’ve ever had. Now, I am certain that in a purely objective sense it was a good day, but I’m also pretty sure that it seems even better in my mind because my expectations were low going in. 

I guess the point is that it doesn’t make sense to hype things up or down before they happen. Just let them happen. 

 

Shifting gears…

 

I think to some extent I’m afraid of what I want. I am scared that the things I want in life, in love, etc, are not the things I should want, which is silly because how can you help that? I am still looking for the person I am hiding in the shadow of the person I want other people to see me as. It’s a side effect of wanting to please everyone…you can’t do it. But I want to. It’s a process getting over that. 

I think ideally I might get to a place where the people I love and respect would love and respect me, and that would be enough. It’s tough because if I get to know someone, I will like them 9/10 times. Even the people I don’t care for I’m sure I could grow to enjoy if I knew their backstory. I think that’s why I do better in 1:1 situations. It allows me and them to just be people with less pressure. Crowds always come with a set of expectations. 

I worry that I might fall in love. I worry that I might never fall in love. I wonder why some friendships work and others fail. I wonder if I become too committed to friendships that just were never meant to work. I fear that the reason some of the people that I really enjoy being around are fairly unresponsive to me is because they never really wanted to be my friend in the first place, but some force of events happened to bring us together for a while and they have finally broken free. 

I know, for certain, that I hold on to things too tightly. What worse sin is there for a Buddhist? Attachment leads to suffering, yet on I cling. To ideas, to stuff, to things beyond my control. I’m working on it, but it’s a slow process. 

 

At the end of the day I think it comes down to the fact that I am reconciling the person I always thought I wanted to be with the person I am. I need to be OK with being me. Be kind to myself. To not just pay lip service to my value as a person but to really think that I have it. That’s the challenge.

 

 

“Repeat anything often enough and it will start to become you.” -Tom Hopkins 

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