Everyone is Gay

February 9, 2014 at 11:00 pm (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , , )

Still snowed in. Based on the weather here, I am hoping that school is cancelled for tomorrow. Not because I’m not itching to get back to work (I am – I really want to jump into it! I’m actually fairly disappointed with this weather) but because I would rather be safe than sorry. If the roads are even decently snowy/icy, doesn’t it make more sense to just let it melt for one more day than invite accidents and mayhem? There are snow days built into the schedule. I guess we’ll see what happens. 

Edit: No school on Monday. Anyway…on to tonight’s thoughts.

 

There’s a killer track on “Is Anybody Out There” called “Everyone Is Gay.” It’s jumpin’. One of the better tracks on the album. In an interesting bit of coincidence, today Michael Sam, an All-American DE from the University of Missouri came out. That’s a pretty big deal as far as football goes. I’ve watched him play too, and the guy is an absolute stud. You can tell he’s going to be playing in the NFL. It’s a big step. I could talk about the ramifications, how this is fantastic for a myriad of reasons, how we’re one step closer to equality and this not being a big deal. We can maybe let people just be people eventually, it’ll be pretty cool. 

I could write a thousand words about all that. I won’t, though, because this is my blog and I’m kind of selfish. I want to talk about me. You’re shocked, I know. 

Back to that song I was talking about. There are a couple lines that really stick out in my mind: 

“We’re all just looking for love to change the world.”

“We can’t keep running away from who you are.”

 

That first line just melts my heart. Love to change the world…that sounds really nice. The second, though, has more relevance to the topic I’m thinking about tonight: boldness.

“It is better by noble boldness to run the risk of being subject to half the evils we anticipate than to remain in cowardly listlessness for fear of what might happen.” -Herodotus

Something I have struggled with for the past several years is how to consistently be bold, assertive, and go after the things I want and the kind of person I would like to be. It’s not easy. I think to one degree or another we all have feelings like that from time to time. There’s this disconnect between who I am, who I want to be, and who I think I am. Also, I’m constantly changing…so between all of that, it can be difficult to pin down a center of who I am. There are a few big pieces here so I am going to try to go after them one at a time.

Being Bold

Fortune favors the bold. As far as Wikipedia tells me the phrase was coined in Latin 1800 years ago, and it rings just as true today. If you want something, you have to go and get it. A lot of the luck we have is the luck that we make. It’s an easy enough concept, but doubt creeps in and keeps us from achieving. I really like that quote by Herodotus above, that it’s better to experience the struggles that come from trying something than to sit still. All the things I want to do, the person I want to be…that can’t be achieved without boldness. No one will ever date you if you don’t ask them out. You’ll never discover what you might know unless you read more, seek more, listen more. Good things happen when you MAKE them happen. 

You also will fall flat on your face when you’re bold, and that’s awesome. The more we get comfortable with failing and with picking ourselves up, the more chances we have to succeed. You’ll never hit a home run if you don’t keep on swinging for the fences. I want to do something really special with my life. I want to make it what I want it to be. I can’t do that if I’m constantly bunting or hitting singles. Ok, that’s a lot of baseball metaphors, but you get my point. It’s not about career stuff or being famous, either, although I have a goal to find a career that is fulfilling and allows me to make substantial positive changes in our world. It’s also about being bold enough to surround yourself with friends who help you become the best you that you can be, and who allow you to be their friend as well. To have real human interaction. To love fully and without reservation. 

It’s a constant goal for me, to be bolder. I have to tell myself it over and over again, because I get afraid of all the terrible things that could happen to me. I figure if I practice enough, it will become habit. 

 

Being Yourself

Knowing who you are is also really tough sometimes. I have found myself at the crossroads of different facets of my personality many times. For much of my life, I saw myself as a masculine person who happens to like some feminine things. Like, yeah, I like musical theatre, and choir, and having feelings, but mostly I’m a manly man who just happens to have a broad range of interests. It didn’t help that society tells you that you HAVE to be so masculine. I want to be liked. I want to be accepted. So I saw myself that way. It’s been a really recent paradigm shift to where I’ve been able to look at myself and say that I am a fairly feminine human person that also happens to have some masculine interests/traits. That’s different than my sexuality, I’m still a straight white male, but I don’t conform as neatly as I always thought I was supposed to. It at various points was really tough – it’s like in “Same Love” where Macklemore talks about wondering if you were gay because you could draw (or in my case do theatre, or love to sing/dance, or being kind of fabulous sometimes). I thought to myself “Am I supposed to like dudes?” Which is tough when you really don’t. Just as a side note: We can have a discussion about how femininity and masculinity are somewhat arbitrary anyway, but for the sake of this discussion I’ll just be talking about my experience, as this is my blog.

I feel like I’m really coming into my own now, though. Around Christmas I went out for drinks with some high school friends and I ordered a Peppermint Patty, which was basically an alcoholic hot chocolate. It sounded wonderful. The waiter came up and had to tell us that they were out of crushed candy cane for the rim, and would that be OK? We all laughed about it, because it was ridiculous and because there is this kind of cultural norm where men don’t order “girly” drinks, and because OF COURSE I would order something like that. In years past I would have laughed along with everyone else and felt incredibly self conscious about it, but I was able to just laugh at myself for real. I’m ok with who I am. I am good enough. It’s so refreshing. 

How to Keep on Moving Ahead

I feel like I have this huge heart. I can contain the whole world. Sometimes I’m selfish, sometimes I do stupid things, and sometimes I make some really dumb decisions. For the most part, though, I think I can really be good. I can be someone that other people will look at and say “Hey, that Jordan guy is someone I respect and trust. If I needed help, he would be there.” I want to see the good in people, to love them, and to create positive changes in their lives. I don’t always know how to do it, but I think that’s where this comes full circle with understanding yourself and then being bold. I am more than the sum of my parts. I can be special. I can see the amazing qualities of the people around me and do my best to bring that out. 

It’s something where it has to be conscious. You have to be willing to improve every day, and do the little things. I will falter, but then I’ll keep on going. I promise to learn from my mistakes, get better, and make some more mistakes. Eventually I will begin to be the person I think I can be, and by then I bet I will have other goals in mind. 

 

Anyway, I totally love all of you. 

 

 

 

“Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it.”

-W. H. Murray
Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: