For the First Time in Forever…Reprise

July 6, 2014 at 11:37 am (Uncategorized)

I’ve officially fallen off the wagon. After several months of drinking almost nothing but tea, I have had a cup or two off coffee almost every day this week. I blame California. I’ve also been really good about drinking lots of water, though, so maybe it’ll all work out for the best.

Plans for the day: Run 5 miles, get a haircut. Heady stuff.

 

Yesterday I briefly took a look at a quote by Emerson –

“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.”

I needed a bit of time to think about it, but I think I might be ready to say something. Not insightful things, but things.

The idea of the self is something that is constantly in flux. I am not the same person day to day, even though there are obviously some things that about me that remain fairly consistent. The past couple years have found me in a state of “inbetween-ness,” caught between my first lengthy period of being out of a relationship, my parent’s divorce, my brother’s illness, and the general early 20s “what the hell am I doing with my life?” among other things.

I think that maybe what’s most difficult is that there will be many (mostly well meaning) people that want to pull you in all kinds of directions with your life and who you should be. You’ll be bombarded by life and culture telling you to look a certain way, act a certain way, feel a certain way. You’ll see the backlash against that, and in their own way they are espousing a certain kind of life as well. People will try to make it “Us vs. Them.” Not because they’re bad people, but because that’s how we’re wired as people. By nature we’re a little bit tribal. The trick is to find out what YOU want, and authentically chase that. I need to know that I want to be healthy, and that’s why I work out and eat better – it’s not just poor body image that’s thrust upon me by our society (although that’s at work too). I need to know that it’s OK to be a bit directionless right now, and that I’m moving in a direction I think will work (but still have the flexibility to change should the need arise). I need to know that there will be people out there who won’t like me because I sing in public, or because I look a certain way, but that I will eventually find people who will love me for me (and be grateful for all the people like that I already have in my life).

I want to believe that it gets easier, and maybe it does, but I think that my natural inclination to please will always come into conflict with who I actually am at times. It’s something to work towards, though. Baby steps!

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