Shine

August 12, 2014 at 4:22 pm (Uncategorized) (, , , )

I haven’t been writing much lately. It’s not that I don’t feel compelled to, it’s just that I choose to spend my time on other things. I find writing cathartic, but sometimes I would rather just lie on my bed and listen to music, or start another book, or try to grab a beer with a friend. 

I have the month of August off, though, so perhaps my output will increase.

I wrote earlier today about Robin Williams, but really the person I’ve been thinking about more is my brother. I haven’t been particularly vocal about it, but my brother was recently diagnosed with a mental illness. I’m also currently reading a book from a friend called “This Much I Know Is True.” It’s about a man with a schizophrenic brother, and it has been hitting rather close to home.

It would be nice if I had something eloquent to say about my brother, if I could come up with something to say that would make me feel better about it all. Some people want to blame it on God, or drugs, or something else, but I think that all it is is sometimes the chemicals in your brain stop functioning normally. Sometimes I’m angry. Angry at Austin, at life, at the stupid randomness that this happened to him and not someone else. Angry that I wasn’t closer to him the last few years, angry that I didn’t see him deteriorate, angry that I thought he was just becoming annoying instead of seeing that he was getting more sick. I sometimes am afraid it will happen to me too, that there is a genetic time bomb in my head just waiting to turn me into someone else, too. 

We don’t really talk about mental illness. We hide it away. We don’t let people see, because they will judge (or at the least, we fear their judgement). There’s no cure, no hope of getting better – it’s a terminal sentence that might be controlled with medication, but it won’t ever go away. It’s an odd feeling for me, because it is simultaneously all I want to talk about and at the same time part of me hopes that I can ignore it and it will go away. I feel awkward talking to people about it, I mean, what can you say? 

I don’t have a good way to end this, because life and being sick are messy things. It just sucks. I think we just have to focus on the positives and keep on going as best we can. 

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