11/15

November 15, 2013 at 9:43 pm (Uncategorized)

I have been having terrible writers block. I’m sure you could tell by the lack of writing over the past couple months. I sit down to write, to say something, but the words don’t come out. I think a lot of the problem is that my mind has been consumed with other things (work, football, running, books, life, etc) and when I sit down to write nothing comes out. Writing this, right now, is painful, and all I’m doing is talking about how I CAN’T WRITE. 

It is my thinking that a large part of the issue is that I don’t always write for me, as much as I try to. I try to write what I think other people will like, what they will find interesting, what won’t embarrass me, or what have you. I try to strike this balance between being honest and open and not letting the world see everything I’m feeling. If you want to write, that’s not really a luxury you can usually afford.

So I guess I’ll just write and we can see what happens. 

 

I am sitting alone in my bed at 9:30pm on a Friday night, which is not a place I like to be. I’ve texted a few friends about hanging out or doing something, but the response has been lukewarm or nonexistent and frankly it’s been a long week so I haven’t pushed the issue. So I watched a couple episodes of Arrested Development, browsed Reddit, and generally felt somewhat sorry for myself. It’s not a place I like being in, but at times I feel seized by a dramatic inaction. All I am capable of is just sitting here and reading or playing on the computer. It is times like these in which I wish someone would give me a call to act, to do, to go on an adventure. How can anyone, know, though? I’m just sitting here. The adventures we have are the adventures we make for ourselves.

I will say, though, that there is something peaceful about laying in bed just listening to music. I can let it wash over me and do its thing. It helps me sort through my emotions. Running does it too, but I wouldn’t be surprised if much of that comes from the fact that I listen to music while I run. I have been conflicted lately–about my emotions, about my prospects for the future, about women, you name it. Really about everything. It’s tough because I feel like I don’t have a good outlet for all my frustration. I’m trying to figure out the best way to deal with the fact that I am not where I want to be yet, and the fact that fear is sometimes a bit paralyzing. 

I have a hard time distinguishing at times between the confidence that is mine and the confidence I project. Then sometimes it all goes away and I wonder if it’s not real at all, if I’m destined to become a deadbeat, if it’s genetic and I can’t do anything about it. I pull myself out each time, but it can be dark at times. I don’t want to complain, I have it pretty good. November is the month we’re thankful, right? A good sentiment but I feel that the idea is limiting in terms of being grateful the rest of the year. I don’t dislike it, it just would be nice if we could use it as a springboard instead of as a closed area. 

 

Well, that was painful but it was there. Gonna get a little better for next time.